Sanity Dreams Walks

My mind has been full of random chaotic thoughts lately. Nonsensicle (is that a word) dreams, questions, ideas,  running amok no matter the time of day. Nights are especially interesting.

Dreams....lately dominated by clothing. Or should I say, lack of clothing. In one, I show up to work with no pants on. Yep....in my t shirt and white granny panties. Try explaining that to your boss! Or how about this one...showing up to work with no shoes on. Easier to explain than no pants! I got nothin'......stress?????

My waking hour thoughts: Owen Owen Owen......

I visited with him and his momma yesterday. He has had a rough few days. He has been very agitated. Unable to get comfortable. Pain meds were increased both in quantity and frequency. It seems to help for a short period of time. Short period of time....that's all we have. It's getting closer...his momma and I both feel it. We know....

She is a planner. She has most of the details worked out: arrangements, clothing, service, video, obit. It is the planning that is keeping her reasonably sane. I said reasonably....how could she be completely sane right now?

In the dark recesses of the insanity, fear is cultivated. Fear that in the end, when there is no need for planning and her sweet baby boy is returned to her by those charged with the final arrangements, there will be no way to determine that it is him she is cradling. Insane? I don't think so....I get it completely, totally and with every fiber of my being. I get it!

Because I get it, I have made her this promise: if she is unable to gather the strength to do so (completely understandable), I will take the final walk with my Owen. I will see to it that it is he and no one else, put in the crematorium and his ashes taken out and returned to her.

I will walk with my Owen to the furnace and I will sing one of his favorite songs as we go. I will take comfort in knowing I have completed his journey with him and that his momma will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt...it is he inside that beautiful urn she cradles in her arms.

It's the least I can do.....

What to say when there is nothing to say...

I wanted to text her and wish her a happy new year. I didn't. It isn't going to be a happy new year. So I just texted "I love you" instead.

Grateful

I am grateful. My life has been turned upside down more than once and somehow I have always managed to come out on the other end reasonably sane and well. I suspect I will repeat this pattern once again.

I am grateful. I am grateful to and for those in my life who have continued to love and support me through the end over end events. There aren't many...we often find out who our real friends are when we are buried beneath the trauma and drama that is life.

I am grateful. I am grateful for my Angel. She has always been with me to hold the world steady  when I couldn't do it on my own.

I am grateful. I stopped in to see her today and she talked of gratitude. Her gratitude for me. Her words made me cry...I do that a lot lately. And then she gave me this:

 

Grateful Red glassybaby

 

I am grateful......

 



Life in an amusement park

Do you ever feel like your life is taking place in an amusement park? Riding the roller coaster for days on end or perhaps just a calming ride on the carousel?

My life of late seems to mimmic the speeding, highs and lows of the roller coaster. Up one minute at a manageable pace and then the next, barreling down at break neck speeds and careening around the corner uncontrollably.

This is why:

 

This is Owen James Lucio Patrick. He is eight years old and he is in the final stages of renal failure...he is dying. My heart is breaking.

 

I have known Owen since he was three. As a part of my then job, I rode the school bus to and from school with him. Owen is blind. Because of his blindness, he likes to use his thumbs to apply pressure to his eyes. This give him the sensation of "seeing" so can you blame him? But that particular habit can cause infection and damage to his beautiful blue eyes. It was my job to stop him from poking as he rode the bus to and from school.

 

Riding the bus with him morphed into taking care of him a few hours a week after school, to taking care of him during the summer, to quitting my job and taking care of him 40 hours a week for a year. He and I have a bond. A very strong bond. He is my boy and I am his "other mother". He loves me and I love him. He is dying and my heart is breaking.

 

I could spend hours and days telling you stories about Owen. There are so many! I need this outlet to share some of those stories. I ask for your tolerance as I write about him. I need to do something that could make a difference in a time when I can't effect change. A powerless, out of my control, don't have the magic wand or super power cape time. He is dying, my heart is breaking and I can't change a damn thing about that!!!!!!

 

What I am hoping to change is this: the awareness, compassion and understanding for children like Owen. The "less than perfect" children in our society who are in reality, the epitome of perfection. I am hoping by doing so I can somehow cope. Because....he is dying and I am broken hearted.

 

Thanks for listening.....

 

 

Hello......

I have a new laptop. I have missed writing. I need to write. Writing is cathartic. I need something cathartic. I am going to write. I am going to write here.

Thank you for being here.....

Frustrated!

Why aren't my pictures showing up? Ugh!!!!!!

Preserving the Past

This tiny little corner of the world, this place where feelings are tapped into words, ideas find a place to roost, creativity stretches boundaries...is mine. It has been my journey through the good, the bad and the ugly. It is a record of the happiest and saddest times of my life. It chronicles the constant change that has been my life. It is me.

The writings herewith in are cherished and some even border on sacred. I bared my mind, heart and soul in these writings. Yet, this is the only place they existed. I had done nothing to preserve this part of me....that is until recently.

                              

            

                                                   
                  Lucy's Logic....the book

I used a free downloaded program called Blurb (program is free, finished books are not). I was able to import all of my writings and pictures directly from Blogspot, then pick and choose the ones I wanted to include in my book. Blurb allows you to format your pages, font, size etc. to get just the look you want. 

There was a small learning curve, (directions? Who reads those?) and lots of trial and error. But ultimately I ended up with exactly what I wanted. A book that preserves my journey and a way to share it with others. 

I  dedicated this labor of love to my children and gave them each a copy. For my journey is theirs as well and perhaps coming along with me may let them know me just a bit better.

I highly recommend, in order to preserve what you write, you check this out. I am sure there are other programs you can use to create your book. I liked Blurb because of the import capability. Let me know how you fair.....