Sanity Dreams Walks

My mind has been full of random chaotic thoughts lately. Nonsensicle (is that a word) dreams, questions, ideas,  running amok no matter the time of day. Nights are especially interesting.

Dreams....lately dominated by clothing. Or should I say, lack of clothing. In one, I show up to work with no pants on. Yep....in my t shirt and white granny panties. Try explaining that to your boss! Or how about this one...showing up to work with no shoes on. Easier to explain than no pants! I got nothin'......stress?????

My waking hour thoughts: Owen Owen Owen......

I visited with him and his momma yesterday. He has had a rough few days. He has been very agitated. Unable to get comfortable. Pain meds were increased both in quantity and frequency. It seems to help for a short period of time. Short period of time....that's all we have. It's getting closer...his momma and I both feel it. We know....

She is a planner. She has most of the details worked out: arrangements, clothing, service, video, obit. It is the planning that is keeping her reasonably sane. I said reasonably....how could she be completely sane right now?

In the dark recesses of the insanity, fear is cultivated. Fear that in the end, when there is no need for planning and her sweet baby boy is returned to her by those charged with the final arrangements, there will be no way to determine that it is him she is cradling. Insane? I don't think so....I get it completely, totally and with every fiber of my being. I get it!

Because I get it, I have made her this promise: if she is unable to gather the strength to do so (completely understandable), I will take the final walk with my Owen. I will see to it that it is he and no one else, put in the crematorium and his ashes taken out and returned to her.

I will walk with my Owen to the furnace and I will sing one of his favorite songs as we go. I will take comfort in knowing I have completed his journey with him and that his momma will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt...it is he inside that beautiful urn she cradles in her arms.

It's the least I can do.....

What to say when there is nothing to say...

I wanted to text her and wish her a happy new year. I didn't. It isn't going to be a happy new year. So I just texted "I love you" instead.