Friday, August 21, 2009

A Transformative Moment

I came about this sort of meme through Tessa, who I adore for her writing and her painting. Tessa links back to Steven of Golden Fish who asks bloggers to write about a transformative moment in their life. A little late on the draw here...but what the hell.

Transformative: to change in form, appearance, or change in condition, nature, or character.

I found myself in a land that was familiar, but not home. I would walk out of the door in the morning, surrounded by land masses that embodied 'purple mountains majesty' and wonder if those who lived here saw the beauty I did? Or did they just go about the day without noticing the gift mother nature lay at their feet.

My early morning journey took me to the sterile halls of the local hospital. Where the smell assaults your senses before you even enter the building. As I walked through those halls I would to think to myself, "I am much to accustomed to this." For I had taken this walk daily for the last 10 days. The same corridors, to the same room I had I spent 15 hours a day. To the bedside of the strongest woman in my life: My mother.

Unconscious and attached to a machine that forced air into her lungs. IV's in both arms. Catheters, tubes, keeping her alive. And every morning as I entered the room my first thought, "how did this happen?" There were no answers...only questions. All that technology and nobody could tell me why.

That particular day would be different from all the other days I had made the journey. I would sit beside her bed, talk to her, comb her hair and share with her the news of the day. "Mom, it snowed five inches in the desert, can you believe it!" All the while wishing this day was not happening.

Decisions...I was asked to make them for 10 days. Decisions that made the difference between life and death. Today I was not the one making the decision. My mother had made the decision years ago when she signed a simple document. I was asked if I had it, "yes." Though not asked to produce it. And the process began.

I stood there and wondered how my heart could ache so desperately and still continue to beat. How could my lungs continue to draw air as the machine discontinued to force air into her's? I held her hand and whispered words of comfort to her...what did I say? I don't remember now. I just knew I needed her to know it was okay to leave me, even as my entire body was screaming for her stop this nonsense and get up!

She didn't get up. She left me quietly in less than 10 minutes. Her body so ravaged by a disease that had no name. And I alone standing there to try and make sense of life without a mother. My mother...the one I looked like. The one whose strength and personality I bore. My mother...gone from me forever.

She was 61 years old. Too young to die. I was 36... too young to be without my mom. But life goes on doesn't it. And it was for me to decide how I was going to go about mine. A transformative moment? Without a doubt.

If you averaged the life of both my parents you would end up with 60 living years. Didn't look so good for me. A wake up call was had.

Before mom fell ill, I was about 30 pounds over weight. I didn't exercise and wasn't in the best of shape. I now found myself about 10 pounds lighter. The stress and starve diet does wonders. I made the decision to lose the rest and become as healthy as I could be.

I completely changed my eating habits and began to exercise regularly. I transformed my entire body in about six months. I went from a size 12 to a size two and felt better than I had in years. The hubby lost 20 just eating the good food I was cooking! I wanted live a long life and grow old and getting healthy was the beginning.

I also transformed my mind. Things that were important weren't so important anymore. My mom didn't enjoy her life. She worked hard nearly till the day she died. I was not going to be her. I made a pact to do the things I wanted to do. Never to put off those things. Do it now, for tomorrow may never come. All those cliche' is too short, live today etc. They are true. Life can change in an instant.

I am my mother's daughter in way's that extend beyond birth. I emulate her in my daily life, but I will not leave this earth with life undone and a heart that is heavy. I will live to be old and I just might wear lots of purple!

Transformative: to change in form, appearance, or change in condition, nature, or character. I did both!

Tell us about your transformative moment.

1 comment:

Friko said...

thank you very much for calling at my place; I am glad you did, because it helped me to find your place. The story about your mother's final breaths is very moving, I am glad you turned her death into something positive for yourself, that way she didn't live and die in vain.

I'll be back.

I See You!