Today is National Tell a Joke Day! Do you have a good joke to tell? Are you a good joke teller? Because it might be the best joke in the world, but if you are a rotten joke teller, then it just becomes that....a rotten joke.
So have a go at it...tell a joke. Make someone laugh! Here is mine...
There is this 75 year old woman...she has been married for 55 years when her husband up and dies on her.
Isn't too long before she starts getting lonely and decides to put an ad in the paper for a companion.
"Wanted a good looking senior man who is faithful, won't run around on me, won't beat me and is still capable of having great sex."
Well lo and behold, not more than two hours after the ad runs, her door bell sounds off.
She's a bit nervous, but nothing could prepare she for the shock of what was on the other side of her door when she opened it!
The man facing her said, "I am here in response to the ad you placed."
The poor woman found herself stammering and stuttering, "but, but, you have no legs"
"Nope," he said, "So I won't be running around on you!"
"But, but, you have no arms!" she cried.
"That is true madam. Therefore, I won't be beating you either," he explained.
"And what about the sex?" she asked.
"I rang the doorbell didn't I"
Ba da Bing!!!
Ba da boom!!!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Change
Shutter Sisters, a photography blog I have always admired and loved, has a monthly project: "one word" in which photographers interpret the word through the lens of their camera .
Because I have just begun to blog again, I am so far behind, not only on writing, but also on reading,
catching up often finds me behind the eight ball. Therefore, I find myself thinking about the July prompt on August first. The word for July was "life". Life captured through the lens of my camera...
Because I have just begun to blog again, I am so far behind, not only on writing, but also on reading,
catching up often finds me behind the eight ball. Therefore, I find myself thinking about the July prompt on August first. The word for July was "life". Life captured through the lens of my camera...
First Step
I did it....
I took the first real step. The step that included money and paperwork. Oh and a three hour test!
Yep...I did it!
OH SHIT!
What am I doing???? I can still bail. It will only have cost me $95.00 and three hours of my time.
NO! Damn it!
I have done bigger scarier things! I got divorced after 30 years! What is scarier than that!
Yep...I did it!
Well....only part of it.
There is still a whole lot more to do!
Stay tuned.....
I took the first real step. The step that included money and paperwork. Oh and a three hour test!
Yep...I did it!
OH SHIT!
What am I doing???? I can still bail. It will only have cost me $95.00 and three hours of my time.
NO! Damn it!
I have done bigger scarier things! I got divorced after 30 years! What is scarier than that!
Yep...I did it!
Well....only part of it.
There is still a whole lot more to do!
Stay tuned.....
Sunday, July 31, 2011
You Know...
If you have had three cell phones...all the same make and model, and all three phones have had some kind of mechanical malfunction, chances are the fourth one Sprint is trying to force you to take will too!
Yes, I can be difficult if I don't get my way. But really, do you think I am being unreasonable for insisting on having a different make and model, completely new, out of the box, after no less than three phones have gone bad in less than one year. Really??????
After all, I have paid my bill, and included in that bill is a charge every month for insurance on the phone that has had to be replaced three times in a year. And they are telling me they want me to get a fourth just like it????? Really??????
Oh, that's right...it is their policy. You know...procedure. Rules....
In other words, it is a way for Sprint to fuck its customers and it worked! I just spent $125.00 on a new out of the box phone.
I hate Sprint......
Yes, I can be difficult if I don't get my way. But really, do you think I am being unreasonable for insisting on having a different make and model, completely new, out of the box, after no less than three phones have gone bad in less than one year. Really??????
After all, I have paid my bill, and included in that bill is a charge every month for insurance on the phone that has had to be replaced three times in a year. And they are telling me they want me to get a fourth just like it????? Really??????
Oh, that's right...it is their policy. You know...procedure. Rules....
In other words, it is a way for Sprint to fuck its customers and it worked! I just spent $125.00 on a new out of the box phone.
I hate Sprint......
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Expect the Unexpected
It is not where I expected to be
It is not what I expected to be doing
It is not how I expected things to turn out
It is not who I expected to become
On the day I turned 50.....
It is not what I expected to be doing
It is not how I expected things to turn out
It is not who I expected to become
On the day I turned 50.....
Monday, July 18, 2011
the journey
walk with me on this journey
take my hand. together we will travel our path
to wherever it goes
walk with me on this journey
over paved paths through grassy fields
where our breaths come easy and our hearts beat as one
walk with me on this journey
through dark forests wrought with sounds mysterious and chilling
stay with me on the convoluted trails that seek to confuse us along our way
walk with me on this journey
down streets filled with strangers to places unknown
partaking in adventures filled with excitement, with trepidation, with joy
walk with me on this journey
let us be each other's guide as we traverse the rugged mountain terrain
struggling to reach the pinnacle...pulling the other along
walk with me on this journey
take my hand. together we will travel our path
to wherever it goes
Sunday, July 17, 2011
On Being Single #1
Being single after 30 years of marriage is, well.....interesting. Ok....there are a plethora of words I could use to describe what my life has been like since my divorce...but interesting will suffice for this particular topic.
Being single as it relates to the opposite sex is the topic at hand. And this shall be my first installment of what I know will be many many more postings regarding said issue. So without further ado I give you the first installment of:
I seem to attract only the weirdos at the bar. I go to the bar to dance and to only dance. I love to dance! I dance by myself or with a few select men I know VERY well. I even wear a sparkly ring on the fourth finger of my left hand to give the impression I am married. Most men just leave me alone. That makes me very happy! But then you have the weirdos!
Let me set the scene: Girlfriend and I are standing at a table talking. Man with hair that looks like he stole it from a Muppet, walks over to me and says:
Muppet man: You are the most beautiful woman in the bar. Are you an Aries? Because that's my hobby.
Me: Thank you. No, not an Aries.
Muppet man: No? Well then you must be a Libra.
Me: Nope not a Libra either. You've got 10 more. Maybe you should get a new hobby!
Girlfriend and I dance off to the dance floor with drinks in hand. Who knows what kind of Leo/Gemini voodoo stuff Muppet Man would have put in our drinks if he had had the chance!
Scene Two, different week, same bar: I have been a dancing maniac for hours. A male friend is with me and we are having a great time. I am aware of a guy watching from a distance...but there are alot of guys watching the dance floor. No big deal....until I go to the bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom, I notice a man leaning against the wall adjacent to the restroom door. He reaches for my hand as I walk past stopping me:
Bathroom Stalker: You are absolutely gorgeous.
Me: Thank you
Bathroom Stalker: I have been waiting for an opportunity to tell you that all night
Me: I don't know what else to say to that except Thank you?
I walk away thinking, did he really just follow me to the bathroom and lurk outside the door until I came out to tell me that? Well, guess what Mr. Bathroom Stalker...jokes on you! There was no soap in there so I couldn't wash that hand you grabbed onto! Ha!
It's a jungle out there ladies...be careful!
Being single as it relates to the opposite sex is the topic at hand. And this shall be my first installment of what I know will be many many more postings regarding said issue. So without further ado I give you the first installment of:
On Being Single
Let me set the scene: Girlfriend and I are standing at a table talking. Man with hair that looks like he stole it from a Muppet, walks over to me and says:
Muppet man: You are the most beautiful woman in the bar. Are you an Aries? Because that's my hobby.
Me: Thank you. No, not an Aries.
Muppet man: No? Well then you must be a Libra.
Me: Nope not a Libra either. You've got 10 more. Maybe you should get a new hobby!
Girlfriend and I dance off to the dance floor with drinks in hand. Who knows what kind of Leo/Gemini voodoo stuff Muppet Man would have put in our drinks if he had had the chance!
Scene Two, different week, same bar: I have been a dancing maniac for hours. A male friend is with me and we are having a great time. I am aware of a guy watching from a distance...but there are alot of guys watching the dance floor. No big deal....until I go to the bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom, I notice a man leaning against the wall adjacent to the restroom door. He reaches for my hand as I walk past stopping me:
Bathroom Stalker: You are absolutely gorgeous.
Me: Thank you
Bathroom Stalker: I have been waiting for an opportunity to tell you that all night
Me: I don't know what else to say to that except Thank you?
I walk away thinking, did he really just follow me to the bathroom and lurk outside the door until I came out to tell me that? Well, guess what Mr. Bathroom Stalker...jokes on you! There was no soap in there so I couldn't wash that hand you grabbed onto! Ha!
It's a jungle out there ladies...be careful!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I Wonder...
I wonder if you have missed that passion we shared in the beginning...
I wonder if you lie in bed at night and ache to have me in your arms...
I wonder if you remember the feel of my skin beneath your finger tips...
I wonder...
I wonder if you lie in bed at night and ache to have me in your arms...
I wonder if you remember the feel of my skin beneath your finger tips...
I wonder...
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tough Week
I sit here on this lovely Thursday evening just simply spent. Utterly and completely exhausted. My body is aching and my mind is spinning out of control. The aching body courtesy of lifting a 44 pound boy all day (story on him later) and my mind whirling at tonadic speeds due to decisions made, decisions to make, and events to face.
Since I don't have the energy to dig a hole big enough to crawl in and I can't find a rock big enough to pull in behind me once the hole is dug...I think I will go get ice cream. Ummmmm, Jeni's ice cream. Maybe a pint of goat cheese with red cherries, or sweet corn and black raspberries, or peach buttermilk. Ah what the hell...I am going get one of each, sit in the middle of the floor with all three pints and a single spoon!
Things are looking better already!
Since I don't have the energy to dig a hole big enough to crawl in and I can't find a rock big enough to pull in behind me once the hole is dug...I think I will go get ice cream. Ummmmm, Jeni's ice cream. Maybe a pint of goat cheese with red cherries, or sweet corn and black raspberries, or peach buttermilk. Ah what the hell...I am going get one of each, sit in the middle of the floor with all three pints and a single spoon!
Things are looking better already!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Rain on a Sunny Day
On a recent spring day, I made a stop at a small cemetery I have been wanting to visit. I find cemeteries fascinating...full of history, art, beauty and peace. As I walk among those resting beneath the fertile ground, I imagine the lives of those whose names are carved into the cold stone and the stories that died with them.
I have no personal connection to anyone whose name is displayed on a grave marker here. There is no one who rests in these sacred grounds familiar to me. I know though, there is no need for familiarity and connection to understand the pain of loss.
His car pulled alongside the gravesite just a few feet beyond where I was standing. As he exited his car and walked across the gravel to the soft grass bordering the road, his hand rose in a gentle wave toward the dappled grey stone. It was as if someone was expecting this elderly gentleman and he knew it.
I saw his lips begin to move as he gazed intently upon the cold, hard granite before him...conversing with whoever lay beneath this marker. He was smiling as he talked. His eyes focused and intent. His face full of love and compassion. My heart felt as if it were going to explode...tears made their way down my windblown cheeks. I struggled to breathe as sobs escaped me only to disappeared into the wind. I found myself grieving for myself: Will anyone stand at my grave and love me like that when I am gone?
But then the strangest thing happened...it began to rain. As I gazed toward the heavens, the sky was crystal blue. There was not a cloud to be seen anywhere around me. It was completely clear...yet there were definitely raindrops falling on my head. The grave stones were getting wet. The ground had begun to show a pattern of small wet circles as the raindrops fell. The heavens were grieving with me.
And then, as quickly as it began...it stopped. The sky maintained its beautiful crystal blue hue. And still there was not a single cloud around me, not one. The tears had stopped falling…and so had mine.
I have no personal connection to anyone whose name is displayed on a grave marker here. There is no one who rests in these sacred grounds familiar to me. I know though, there is no need for familiarity and connection to understand the pain of loss.
His car pulled alongside the gravesite just a few feet beyond where I was standing. As he exited his car and walked across the gravel to the soft grass bordering the road, his hand rose in a gentle wave toward the dappled grey stone. It was as if someone was expecting this elderly gentleman and he knew it.
I saw his lips begin to move as he gazed intently upon the cold, hard granite before him...conversing with whoever lay beneath this marker. He was smiling as he talked. His eyes focused and intent. His face full of love and compassion. My heart felt as if it were going to explode...tears made their way down my windblown cheeks. I struggled to breathe as sobs escaped me only to disappeared into the wind. I found myself grieving for myself: Will anyone stand at my grave and love me like that when I am gone?
But then the strangest thing happened...it began to rain. As I gazed toward the heavens, the sky was crystal blue. There was not a cloud to be seen anywhere around me. It was completely clear...yet there were definitely raindrops falling on my head. The grave stones were getting wet. The ground had begun to show a pattern of small wet circles as the raindrops fell. The heavens were grieving with me.
And then, as quickly as it began...it stopped. The sky maintained its beautiful crystal blue hue. And still there was not a single cloud around me, not one. The tears had stopped falling…and so had mine.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Dropping In
Funny thing to do isn't it...dropping in on your own blog. I was surprised I even remembered how to log in. Now mind you, I had to try a couple of times before I got the right password. But I did and now here I am. To what end?
I think about going back to writing often. It isn't as though I have stopped. I do write...I just do it with a pencil and paper now. I find what I am writing these days is so personal and sometimes not the most uplifting. I am somewhat afraid to share it with the world. Baring the soul and all...
My life has changed so drastically in the last nearly two years. I often use an amusement park to illustrate how I picture my days. There was a time I felt like I spent most of my day riding the roller coaster with an occasional sojourn upon the painted ponies, spinning mindlessly in circles, hypnotized by the sound of the calliope. Fortunately, my days are now spent with more time upon those brightly painted ponies and less on the chaotic, speeding, heart pounding roller coaster. But those changes are still hard to embrace.
I would like to come here more often. I would like to make a habit of it. I would like to begin writing again...writing things I want to share. I would like to share again...the good things that are happening. And there are many.
I would also like to share some of the difficult again. I found so many friends here. People who were empathetic, sympathetic. People who were always there with kind words and wisdom. I always appreciated that above all else!
So I will try. I will try not to be a guest on my own blog. I will try to be here often. I will contribute what and when I can. What can it hurt? Perhaps it might even help....
I think about going back to writing often. It isn't as though I have stopped. I do write...I just do it with a pencil and paper now. I find what I am writing these days is so personal and sometimes not the most uplifting. I am somewhat afraid to share it with the world. Baring the soul and all...
My life has changed so drastically in the last nearly two years. I often use an amusement park to illustrate how I picture my days. There was a time I felt like I spent most of my day riding the roller coaster with an occasional sojourn upon the painted ponies, spinning mindlessly in circles, hypnotized by the sound of the calliope. Fortunately, my days are now spent with more time upon those brightly painted ponies and less on the chaotic, speeding, heart pounding roller coaster. But those changes are still hard to embrace.
I would like to come here more often. I would like to make a habit of it. I would like to begin writing again...writing things I want to share. I would like to share again...the good things that are happening. And there are many.
I would also like to share some of the difficult again. I found so many friends here. People who were empathetic, sympathetic. People who were always there with kind words and wisdom. I always appreciated that above all else!
So I will try. I will try not to be a guest on my own blog. I will try to be here often. I will contribute what and when I can. What can it hurt? Perhaps it might even help....
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