I don't know what has been wrong with my mind lately. I have started many times to write something and I just can't get myself wrapped around anything. I start something and I end up hitting the delete key, begin again and hit delete and the process is repeated over and over and over until I just give up and post another picture.
When I began this blog it was to be an outlet for my thoughts...not a photo blog. But my blog has become saturated with photos...not a bad thing. But I am a girl of words. I love them...and I have an opinion about everything...just ask anyone who knows me. So what is wrong with me...why can't I get my thoughts out of my mind and onto this blog? Writers block? I don't know.
I wonder if it doesn't have more to do with the time of year...fall. The world around me is changing quickly. The flowers are drying up and going to seed...ready to drop into the soil to prepare for next year. The grass is brown and trees are beginning to lose their leaves. The air is getting crisper...the days shorter, which of course means the nights are longer. Even the sun isn't as warm as it was a month ago. Could leave anyone in a funk, no?
Fall ...a time when everything either dies or or gets ready to sleep the winter away. Fall, the season that takes us to those holidays we celebrate with our families...ah yes, families. Therein lies the problem.
I have no family. Now let me correct that...I have my children and my husband...but no brothers, parents, grandparents, etc. By mid 1997, I had buried them all. If I still have my children and my husband, you might ask, what is the problem? Why would you be melancholy about the holidays?
It is very strange to be an orphan at the ripe old age of 36. And for many years I did not understand why I became sad and unsettled around this time of year. I never understood why I was so surly at Thanksgiving and Christmas until one particular year when we were all with my husband's family.
We were sitting around after a wonderful meal and he and his sisters were talking about the Christmas' past. There were lots of 'remember whens' going on between them. It was at this point I had an epiphany. I have no 'remember whens'!
There is no one in my life with which I can sit back and down a drink, chuckle and say, 'do you remember that time dad....' Or 'hey Mom, do you remember when I....' Those things are forever gone for me. It is as if a part of me died. And the holidays bring back that reality like a baseball bat to the head. Fall is just the precursor to that.
As time as gone on...yes time does heal all wounds or at least scab them over. Things have gotten easier. I try to see the beauty of the season and embrace it. I work to create those 'remember whens' for my own children and share in their stories as we gather around the holiday table. I am no longer miserable during the holiday season, though there is still a sense of loss and pain.
I have also discovered family isn't defined by blood...but that is another post...and for that I am so fortunate.
But nevertheless...this is a bump in the road of time I need to get through...for whatever the reason it is happening. Maybe getting it out will help me to move that giant block that is in the way and the words will flow more easily. Then again maybe I should just post another picture!
Thanks for listening.